Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
