I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
