the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
