his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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