My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
