Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
