it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
