I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Randomize
