my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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