I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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