you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
