so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
