While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
