I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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