he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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