If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
