I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it was like eating out sand paper
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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