toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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