all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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