Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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