Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
