Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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