this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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