Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I am mentally ready for anal.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
