Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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