I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
