Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
