I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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