what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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