Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
