I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
