Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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