the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
