Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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