im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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