Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
