after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
