My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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