On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize