Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
