some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
