after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
