she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
