I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize