I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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