I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
