Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
