wrigley field is MILF paradise
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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