i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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