He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
