So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
