I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize