Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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