I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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