Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
