He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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