Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
